The World’s Most Expensive Free Gift
There was once a rather important gentleman who was presented with the bargain of a lifetime, a plush and almost new wide-bodied aircraft reportedly worth around $400 million. It was described as a no strings attached gift, complete with shiny paintwork, luxurious furnishings and enough gold-coloured trim to make a casino interior designer blush.
“What a deal!” he reportedly exclaimed, proudly informing anyone within earshot that he had saved the taxpayers an absolute fortune. After all, who wouldn’t want a free aeroplane?
Unfortunately, someone wearing a suit and carrying an alarming number of security clearances quietly pointed out that transporting the leader of a major nation requires rather more than plush leather seats and an impressive drinks cabinet. Secure communications, electronic warfare systems, missile defence equipment, hardened wiring, classified avionics and enough encryption to confuse a room full of supercomputers all had to be installed.
Before long, the accountants discovered that bringing the “free” aircraft up to the required standard would cost not tens, but hundreds of millions of dollars more. Suddenly, the world’s greatest bargain began to resemble a luxury car that needed a new engine, gearbox, suspension and four wheels before it could leave the dealership.
After months of work, committees, consultants and invoices large enough to require their own hangar, another awkward discovery emerged. Even after all the upgrades, the aircraft still wasn’t considered suitable for carrying its very important passenger into every conceivable scenario.
It turns out there are some things you simply can’t retrofit, no matter how many blank cheques are available. With much sighing from engineers and quiet laughter from civil servants, our mysterious gentleman found himself climbing back aboard one of the older aircraft that had been doing the job perfectly well all along.
The moral of the story? Sometimes the most expensive word in the English language isn’t “new”—it’s “free.” And while our unnamed protagonist may or may not bear a passing resemblance to a certain well-known political figure with a fondness for large aeroplanes, expensive décor and declaring victory before reading the maintenance manual, this is, of course, a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to real people, living or otherwise, is purely coincidental… probably.
Photographs Courtesy of United States Air Force
Dave Munro