Naw Then… Whit a Pure Stoater o’ a Security Leak!
Ye honestly couldnae make this up.
So, here’s the story. A certain orange-haired occupant o’ the White Hoose wis gifted a shiny Boeing 747-8i, reportedly worth aboot $400 million, by officials fae Qatar. “Naw strings attached,” they said. Aye, an’ I’m the next captain o’ the Red Arrows.
Noo, if somebody hands ye a second-hand Fiesta, ye’d maybe ask if it had an MOT. If somebody hands ye a jumbo jet that’s supposed tae become Air Force One, ye’d maybe ask, “Has anybody checked if Big Rab fae Doha left a wee surprise under the floorboards?” Apparently, that wee question turned intae a bill running intae hundreds o’ millions o’ dollars tae strip the aircraft doon an’ rebuild half o’t.
Ye’d think that wid be the end o’ it. Job done. Sorted. Tap-notch security.
Until…
Somebody apparently lets details of the aircraft’s security arrangements leak oot, prompting an FBI investigation intae who spilled the beans. Reports say the investigation is focused on how sensitive information about the aircraft’s security found its way into the public domain.
Ye’ve goat tae admire the efficiency.
It’s like buying the biggest safe in Scotland, welding it tae the floor, installing lasers, fingerprint scanners, retinal scanners and a guard dug…
…then sellotaping the combination tae the outside.
Or like Boston’s famous Traffic Cone Day, where somebody celebrates the city’s unofficial mascot by sticking a traffic cone on top o’ a statue. Except this time they’ve no stuck the cone on the Duke’s heid—they’ve somehow managed tae balance it on top o’ Air Force One.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Glasgow Central there’s a carriage full o’ Tartan Army fans coming hame fae the World Cup. Half o’ them havenae slept in three days, somebody’s playing bagpipes in Coach C, there’s an empty Buckfast bottle rolling up and doon the aisle every time the train brakes…
…and somehow their travel plans are still better organised than a $400 million presidential aircraft programme.
Ye can almost imagine the conversation.
“Right lads, anybody seen the classified security report?”
“Naw.”
“Did ye check under the Buckie?”
“Which yin?”
Silence.
Somewhere, an FBI agent’s face has just disappeared intae the palms o’ his hands.
As ma granda used tae say, “Loose lips sink ships.”
Turns oot they can also cause absolute mayhem for jumbo jets.
And if anybody in Glasgow can offer some advice, it’s this:
Never trust anybody who says, “It’s a free plane.”
Especially if they say it before ye’ve even asked the price.
Ye’ve got tae admire the consistency, mind. The aircraft wis meant tae become one o’ the safest and maist secure machines ever tae fly. Instead, it’s becoming famous for generating paperwork faster than lift.
Mind ye, security experts are probably tearing their hair oot. Every classified document that escapes means engineers have tae ask themselves whether the information’s still valid or whether expensive systems need redesigned. That’s no exactly a cheap afternoon’s work when the thing in question is a 250-foot-long flying command centre.
Meanwhile, the rest o’ us are left scratching oor heids. The original gift wis meant tae save money. Since then, the refurbishment costs have ballooned, timelines have stretched, and noo there’s an FBI investigation intae the handling o’ sensitive information. If this is whit “free” looks like, maybe next Christmas just stick tae socks.
As they say in Glasgow, “If it sounds too good tae be true, it probably is.” A free presidential jumbo jet? Aye… an’ the wee dug really did eat yer homework.
One thing’s for certain. Somewhere in Seattle, a Boeing engineer’s probably staring intae a mug o’ coffee muttering, “Could somebody please stop helping?”
Photographs Courtesy of United States Air Force
Author Someone Dave Munro Knows